Reports State that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) Has Been Irreparably Damaged

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Jolene Creighton in Technology

Aerial view of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) ring and tunnel. (Image courtesy of the European Centre for Nuclear Research (CERN))

If you have been keeping up-to-date on the work that’s being done at CERN with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), then you probably already know that the device was (with “was” being the operative word) slated to come back online last month (March, 2015). Unfortunately, things didn’t exactly go as planned.

After taking two years off for scheduled maintenance, the LHC was supposed to resume its work several weeks ago. However, as physicist Je Plaisante, from the University of West Argenteuil notes, the 4,012,105 trillion dollar operation was brought to a halt by an error in measurement.

Ultimately, the previous LHC was 17 miles (27 km) in length; however, in order to make it really effective, scientists decided to increase the size of the device by 1.3 miles (2.09 km). Professor Yo Estoy Bromeando, from the University of Upper Gananda, notes that there was some miscommunication between the American and non-American scientists in relation to this upgrade.

To make a long story short, the mathematicians responsible for ensuring proper conversions failed in their calculations. In the end, the American scientists, who were entrusted with building the right side of the new section, created one that was 1.3 miles long (which is what the length was supposed to be). Yet, when this is converted into metric, the number is rather long (2.09215 km, to be exact). So the mathematicians just decided to round it. And due to some seriously faulty rounding, the non-American scientists (who were making the left side) made their section 3 km long (as opposed to the required 2.09).

Unfortunately, the error wasn’t noted until the physicists went to put the new left-sided section in the ground. As they attempted to lower this section into place, they quickly realized their error, as they hadn’t made a large enough hole, and (sadly) the new section was bent in half.

Right. In. Half.

This is unfortunate news, as the LHC is humanity’s most powerful and expensive tool for investigating matter at a subatomic level.

Yet, scientists are not deterred. Yo Estoy Bromeando said that we do have some options: “I think that, together, people are capable of nearly anything. And I can throw really hard. So if I try, and maybe some people help me train, I’m confident that…eventually…I can hurl subatomic particles together fast enough to accomplish the exact same thing as the LHC. Additionally, I can see this being an excellent team building exercise. Nothing brings people together quite like a big bang simulation.”

Of course, some were a bit skeptical of Bromeando’s claims; however, when I asked him via email whether or not he thought that he really could throw protons fast enough, and with enough accuracy, that he could make them collide and, thereby, simulate the events that transpired shortly after the universe formed, he said that I had insulted him, and that we would have to engage in a rousing bout of fisticuffs in order to settle the matter.

So alas, I will have to cut this report short in order to prepare for my epic fight. Wish me well, kind friends.

 From Quarks to Quasars is two people, Jaime and Jolene.

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